I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”

Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.

I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.

An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.

Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.

“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work

Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.

Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!

My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!

I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.

Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.

Seed between the lines.

“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”

- Elayne Boosler.

I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.

How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.

My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...

I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.

My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.

Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”

"My cat doesn't like you."

A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.

Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!

What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers

What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.

Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!

What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.

Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism

What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!

"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase

What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.

I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.

That would dampen spirits.

Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?

“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman