Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
I love you berry much.
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.