Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Dublin over in laughter.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity