What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.