What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
I Ecuador you.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.