What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Believe in your elf.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
I have no shelf control.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.