"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Look for a rainbow connection.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Fairies just spell trouble.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.