Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!