What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
In on the ground flora.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
I love you dairy much.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.