Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
I think you're mer-mazing.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Prepare to be bowled over.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.