What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
If you were here, Abby all over you
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
You look like my future ex wife.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”