What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.