Bad puns are how eye roll.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Can we still share a netflix account?
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.