Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?

“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen

Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."

What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.

The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.

My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.

A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash

“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller

Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.

"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket

What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!

Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.

Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!

There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.

You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!

A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.

Thin grippy thick slippery.

"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey

Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.

What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!

“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.​” –Unknown

It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”

just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying

Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?

Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.

“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes

Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.

I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.

Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!

What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.

Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near

A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.

Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."

Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.

Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.

You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.

Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!