What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
"I make pour decisions."
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown