You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
Poor white splash.