Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
Feeling my shelf.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.