Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.

I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.

A space fish is usually called starfish.

Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…

What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José

I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.

What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!

Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.

Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.

When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.

Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.

I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.

Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.

My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.

I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.

There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!

What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.

“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”

The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.

Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?

Me: Yep.

How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)

Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.

Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.

What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.

Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.

What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.

What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.

[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.

What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"

I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.

Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other

A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr

How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.

"You can't sip with us."

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.