My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.