The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
I yam what I yam.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Don’t be elfish.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Ants in your plants.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain