What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
It's always a first class trip with me.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)