Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Biology - It grows on you.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
You had me at cello.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
I think my heart just lagged.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
"Bone to be wild."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Prepare to be bowled over.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.