What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
Would you like to share fire with me?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!