Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
We’re a perfect mash.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
When are you going to invite me to church?
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...