"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski

"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson

Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?

Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.

Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?

How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.

I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing

“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”

- Moby.

Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!

I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.

What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?

What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!

I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.

“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin

I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.

My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.

Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.

Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.

I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.

What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.

How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.

Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”

"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law

Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.

What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.

A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.

A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.

“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus

What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.

He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade

“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke

I can heartly wait to see you.

The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.

Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.

“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West

“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English

What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.

How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.

What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"

In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.

My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.