Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
I think, therefore I’m single.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!