One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!

Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.

When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!

Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.

Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft

Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!

What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!

What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.

Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert

Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.

What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.

Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.

What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.

Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.

What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas

My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.

What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.

Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!

What is the result of an art competition? A draw.

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.

Some people like to play croc-quet.

Sorry, I'm octopied.

Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!

My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.

For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.

What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."

Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.

There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.

Pirates Private Property.

What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!

Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.

It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.

I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis

What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams