A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
Beach, please.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
I yam what I yam.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!