The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
Please, please me
"Have a hoppy Easter."
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
I followed my heart to you.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.