The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.