Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
Shave a single shingle thin.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
I dig you a hole lot.
Let's Taco about love.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.