What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
"I've found some bunny to love."
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
I've only got three months to live.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?