“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman

“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire

The best stretches are partner stretches.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?

Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.

Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.

How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.

"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown

One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".

Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.

Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!

I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.

How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.

What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!

Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!

What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!

What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.

What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.

Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering

"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

- Dorothy Parker.

What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak

A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.

Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.

What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.

There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.

I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.

What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.

“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland

Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.

What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!

What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!

Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.

On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.

For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.

Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.

I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.

My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."

I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.