Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing

I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!

Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.

"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous

Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.

What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.

No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.

In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.

What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!

What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.

As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.

Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.

Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!

There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.

Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.

What should you wear before driving?

The correct gear.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.

Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.

I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.

Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.

“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso

What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"

When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"

He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."

Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!

I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.

What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.

How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.

"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."

What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?

What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.

What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.

"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle

"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet

Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.

What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.

Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal

Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?

You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?

What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!