I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Rebel without a Claus.
You are the object of my preposition.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans