"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
You’re wine in a million.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Bookworms take shelfies.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
You’re my lucky charm.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.