Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Your mausoleum or mine?
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.