How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
Talk literary to me.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
This vacation has been sand-sational!
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.