Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Snow thank you.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
Variety is the ice of life.