Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.