Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
When are you due back in heaven?
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance