A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.

My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.

What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.

I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.

did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.

What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.

Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"

What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!

Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.

Your good seed for the day.

What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.

Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!

Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.

What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.

My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.

What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

When where.

When where who?

Tonight, my place, me and you.

Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.

What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!

I love you so fairy much.

“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown

What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.

Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!

"Bugs and hisses."

The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.

There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.

Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.

I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)

Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.

Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.