Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!

Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.

Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!

Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature

This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.

Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.

Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!

How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.

I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.

Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.

What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.

The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.

What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!

It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?

What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel

What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.

Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes

Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!

The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!

What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!

Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.

What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!

“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman

Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”

- Gracie Allen

On a keyboard, nothing is under control.

“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William

Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.

Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...

Dying to Czech it out

Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.

Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head

Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.

Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.

“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw

What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane

What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.

What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”

A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.