I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.