The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
How hot does your gas oven get?
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
Nothing really mattress.