Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.