The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
I think we're mint to be!
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
Let's do lunge together
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
She has high elf-esteem.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Funny meat-ing you here.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.