“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".