After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
"What an egg-citing day."
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
You're as hot as a desert summer.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.