My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?