What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
So … do you run here often?
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
I eat eel while you peel eel
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.