What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
"Happy eggster."
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
I’m soy
into you.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
I dig you a hole lot.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.