I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
"I need to re-wine my life."
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
Don't even chai.
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?