I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
The pint’s the limit.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.