I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
People are always after me lucky charms.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
I think you're mer-mazing.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.