“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.