What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.