A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Shes a fairy realistic person.