What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe