You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
I cannoli have eyes for you.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day