A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.

Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.

“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown

What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”

When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?

Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?

"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4

What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!

Life without you would be un-bear-able.

Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.

If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.

My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.

“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan

Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.

Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad

Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.

"Exclamation!"

I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!

They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!

It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!

Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!

As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?

(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)

– Fiona Halliday

Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!

Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.

"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."

– Sadhguru

What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.

“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”

What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.

Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.

How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.

What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”

Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!

Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck

I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.

Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.

Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!

I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.

“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

You remind me of my last biking accident. Because I am going head over heels for you.

I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'

The Optimist said 'The door is half open'

The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'

What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.