I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Know what? I dig you, really!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.