"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Whatever coats your boat.

Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.

Your mausoleum or mine?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!

I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.

Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!

Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.

Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"

The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.

What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.

Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out

You know, less teeth means more tongue.

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.

What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!

I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.

Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.

What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...

Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!

I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.

How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!

Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.

The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.

It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.

Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize

Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!

Yule be sorry.

Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.

When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.

What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

Gold riddance.

Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.

I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.

When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"

Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?

Leave poetry to the prose.

Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.

An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.

"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."

You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.