Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Football is one habit I will never kick
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
"Aloe you vera much."
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy