I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
I'm snow bored.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.