You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
You don't know jack-o-lantern
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.