Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
You shamrock my world.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
Summer is just floating by.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.