What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.