The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Up to snow good.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
I love your energy.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Believe in your elf.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens