There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
You should see what I can do with ice.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
That’s a-may-zing!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.