“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
I always have a ball with you.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!