Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.