What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!

Air resistance is a real drag.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan

Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.

I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward

I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.

What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown

Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard

Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.

Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.

I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.

Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!

What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.

Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.

I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.

I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.

What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.

Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.

My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.

What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14

What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.

I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.

An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.

My pants are approaching escape velocity.

What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.

Yeah but what about the ears?

You never heard of mountaineers?

When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.

I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.

When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie

Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.

Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.

What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.

Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!

"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."

Can you teach me how to use this machine?

When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson

Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.

It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.