Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.

Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?

Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White

When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.

What should you wear before driving?

The correct gear.

I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!

Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.

I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.

I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.

No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown

Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.

What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.

“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”

Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.

When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.

"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."

- Neil Armstrong.

I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.

What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.

"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.

Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.

American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant

“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends

If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.

Do you believe in love at first flight?

Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.

What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.

What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.

Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.

People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.

Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.

It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.

Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.

Can I slip one past your goalie?

What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.

My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".