Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.

Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.

Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”

- William Galvin.

What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!

If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".

What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"

Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.

When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.

French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”

If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table

“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”

How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.

Lost at sea? I'm not shore.

I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.

Your beauty is blinding.

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.

Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.

“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”

- Ryan Reynolds.

The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.

I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.

How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!

“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown

What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.

What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.

Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”

Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.

Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.

Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.

Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.

Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain

What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana

What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pickle

Pickle who?

Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

You're a beluga in this sea of cod.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.

Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!

Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.

Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.

Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.

Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.