Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."

Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.

Everybody romaine calm.

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.

Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.

I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts

What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"

There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."

Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.

There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.

During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown

I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.

Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."

My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.

Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.

What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!

One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.

Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.

I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY

What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?

You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.

What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.

What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.

Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.

A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.

Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.

What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.

“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”

- Judd Apatow.

How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.

Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply