What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Variety is the ice of life.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Just brew it!
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.