How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
Don't even chai.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?