What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Case in punt
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
I’m rooting for you!
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.