Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Feeling fintastic.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
I'm snow bored.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley