What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
"Rosé all day."
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Can I hold your hand?
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman