"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Let's cross the international dateline together.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.