The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
Life is better when we stick together.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
You are sweeter than 3.14.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.