How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Don’t moss around.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Get in the swim this summer.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.