Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
You are sweeter than 3.14.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.