Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Would you like to share fire with me?
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
"Great minds drink alike."
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
You’re more special than relativity.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
How was Heaven when you left it?
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody