I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
Hey, are you okay-leb?
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!