Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."