"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
I find you very a-peeling.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
I followed my heart to you.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
I think we're mint to be!
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.