What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.