Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.

Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!

Doctor 2: No, it is.

Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!

“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown

Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!

“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown

What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.

What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”

What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.

Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.

Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham

If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?

Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.

What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!

Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.

I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.

I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.

What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!

A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.

It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.

You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.

What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.

Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...

I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.

Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!

A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein

Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.

What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.

What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.

I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.

“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald

Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.

If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.