What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.