What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.