What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!