"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
Pirates Private Property.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
I find you very a-peeling.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”